Gay in a straight world

Being gay can be really frustrating at times.

I just want to be able to hang out with my straight friends. I wish they knew who I was. And if they knew who I am, I wish they'd accept me and still want to hang out with me.

I go to the bar, and they all try to hook me up with chicks. It's so frustrating to come up with excuse after excuse. Reasons why I don't want to take these girls home. Even if I weren't gay, I can't imagine going to the bar and taking a girl home the way so many of them do. A different girl every week.

Anyway, I wish there were some signal that women knew and they'd know I'm gay, so that I could dance with them and hang out, without feeling some obligation to take things further. I don't want sex with you. I don't want to make out. I don't wand to string you along. I don't want this. I just want to be able to hang out, have a fun evening, and that's it. If my straight friends have other sorts of fun, whatever.

This is really very frustrating.

Why is it so difficult to live in a straight world as a gay man?

It's things like this that are the reason gays tend to gather in certain areas. Nobody wants to feel obligated like this. Nobody wants to feel guilty for making someone think you want them when you don't. Nobody wants to have to come up with a million reasons for going home early/not going out with a girl/etc etc. I hate it! I just want to be me, but it's not allowed. I just wish I could be honest with everyone. I hate living a lie. I hate pretending to be a person other than myself. This mask is suffocating me.

No, I'm not coming out until my obligations are fulfilled, but at times the frustrations of it all can be consuming.

God, please be with me. God, please guide me. God, search my soul, and keep me on your path. I don't want to forget who I am in you. I don't want to lose myself in frustration. Be with me.