Sometimes I feel like a monster

Sometimes I feel like a monster.

I got really angry tonight. Yesterday I ran a cat-5 cable to my neighbor's room, and we were sharing files and internet over a network. The manager of the building I live in (a temporary job usually held for about 6 months) came by this afternoon and unplugged the cable, and pushed it under my door. I opened the door and yelled about how inconsiderate the action was, and how it is common sense to talk to someone before simply disconnecting them and throwing their cable under the door. He threw back the fact that apparently there's a rule against cables in the hallway. And it escalated a bit louder before we went our separate ways.

I went to get dinner, thinking of how to get back at him, and what to do if he retaliated against me in some way. I had several ideas (read all the rules, and get him in trouble on every little discrepancy I can find). I was ANGRY! He had been so rude, and I didn't deserve it! On the way home, I saw a beautiful sunset, and was reminded of the rainbow that was God's reminder to Noah that all would be okay. But I wasn't satisfied. I wasn't appeased!

I got back to my room, and soon I heard a knock. I opened my door, and standing there was that same jerk! I got ready for another verbal spat, and instead, to my surprise, I received an apology. I apologized back, but in my heart, I felt ill. This guy, after a long day (and a long month really. He's fighting a big uphill battle as manager) just trying to do his job, maybe wasn't as considerate as wonderful Me thought he should be.

Sometimes I convince myself that I'm pretty smart. I'm something special! Woohoo! Smart 'ol Jack. And then I find how very foolish I can be. Spending time thinking evil for NOTHING? How does such thought help me? How does it benefit anyone, for that matter?

I pray to God on a nearly daily basis for wisdom. I wish wisdom were something God just granted. I'm learning, though, and I suppose that's what wisdom is. Taking the lessons of daily life and seeing them from God's point of view. Why spend my time pondering revenge, when I can use the strengths God has given me to help others? Why contemplate ways to hurt others, when God has given us each the ability to build others up? Knowledge is great. Intelligence can be a wonderful tool. But I pray to God, forsaking all other attributes, give me wisdom. What pursuit is there, other than that of Christ, that is of any worth if not the pursuit of wisdom? Make me wise Lord, because nothing else will quench my mind. Nothing I can learn will be of benefit to me and others in an eternal sense, save that which I can use to benefit others.

I feel ashamed at the content of my heart today, but I remain hopeful of tomorrow. May I always find myself becoming more like Christ!