In His presence

I had an experience this weekend which I can only call Holy. I've never known anything like it.

Usually, I'm in good spirits. I rarely feel down. But on Friday I suddenly felt a deep sorrow. I was thinking about the two boys in my life I've truly loved. Each of them were important to me at different points in my life. When I say I loved them, I mean loved deep in my heart. I would willingly give my life for either.

And then I thought of the fact that neither of them knew of my love for them, and they are both pretty much out of my life at this point. I felt sorrow at the fact that they would never know how my heart had yearned for them. How I loved just being in their presence.

I found myself crying, something I rarely do.

I remember hearing in church that Jesus understands our pains. That he knows what we're going through, because he himself has gone through so much. But that night I couldn't help but think that Jesus had no idea what I was going through. The sorrow of loving someone who would never reciprocate those feelings. I was almost a bit angry that Jesus thought he knew how I felt.

I have to admit that I've always been a bit wary of people who say that 'Jesus speaks to them'. Or that they 'heard the voice of God'. While I am a Christian, some people can make a Holy experience seem a bit kooky. Well, I didn't hear words, but as I was wallowing in my self pity, there came to mind the fact that Jesus died for us all. For the pious and the sinners. The plain and the beautiful. Everyone.

He loved each and every one of us enough to willingly lay down his life, in a manner more painful than we can imagine. To struggle against death and sin, and fight past death for us. And I realized that so many of those He loves and cares for will never know what He did. And among those who do know, so many reject His love for them.

For a few minutes I was lost in the depth of that love. I felt the tiniest fraction of the love Jesus has for the world. The love He poured out in His death. It sounds corny when written down, but I felt as though my heart wouldn't be able to contain what I felt in those moments. The sadness, the joy. I can't find words to describe the experience. It was beyond emotion. I was sobbing, and just trying to take it all in.

I pray that I will never forget those moments. That I'll remember Jesus' love for us. That I'll share that love. And that I'll rejoice that I've been fortunate to experience love in my life, even when it is at times tempered with sadness.