Returning

This may seem trivial or silly, but I need to post this as much as a reminder to myself as anything. I've drawn away from God over the past year. Sadly, this seems to be a regular occurrence for me over the years.

And yet, He always finds me again.

I'm not perfect. Not even good in many ways. I've done things I'm ashamed of. And recently, my heart has turned to things that only hurt me. Things that seem good and fun and enjoyable, but cut to the soul.

It has really worn on me, and I reached a point where I realized that I must be in communion with God again. And yet I found myself struggling. It's never easy to turn from sin, because it seems so comforting and familiar.



And so, the other day I was showing my sunburnt arm to some coworkers when someone mentioned my tattoo, and asked about the verse it contains.

And then my grandmother called, asking about my walk with the Lord.

And I saw other reminders of God's presence.

After finally taking steps to turn once again to God last night, I even saw a lone white dove fly by this morning. I can't remember the last time I even saw a white dove.


Now as a man who loves science, all these things could certainly be coincidence. Natural occurrences. And yet, in the depths of my soul, I feel calm. I start to remember what it felt like to be in God's presence. I want a relationship with God. I want to be in His presence.


Though I often fail, God is my strength. Forever.

In His presence

I had an experience this weekend which I can only call Holy. I've never known anything like it.

Usually, I'm in good spirits. I rarely feel down. But on Friday I suddenly felt a deep sorrow. I was thinking about the two boys in my life I've truly loved. Each of them were important to me at different points in my life. When I say I loved them, I mean loved deep in my heart. I would willingly give my life for either.

And then I thought of the fact that neither of them knew of my love for them, and they are both pretty much out of my life at this point. I felt sorrow at the fact that they would never know how my heart had yearned for them. How I loved just being in their presence.

I found myself crying, something I rarely do.

I remember hearing in church that Jesus understands our pains. That he knows what we're going through, because he himself has gone through so much. But that night I couldn't help but think that Jesus had no idea what I was going through. The sorrow of loving someone who would never reciprocate those feelings. I was almost a bit angry that Jesus thought he knew how I felt.

I have to admit that I've always been a bit wary of people who say that 'Jesus speaks to them'. Or that they 'heard the voice of God'. While I am a Christian, some people can make a Holy experience seem a bit kooky. Well, I didn't hear words, but as I was wallowing in my self pity, there came to mind the fact that Jesus died for us all. For the pious and the sinners. The plain and the beautiful. Everyone.

He loved each and every one of us enough to willingly lay down his life, in a manner more painful than we can imagine. To struggle against death and sin, and fight past death for us. And I realized that so many of those He loves and cares for will never know what He did. And among those who do know, so many reject His love for them.

For a few minutes I was lost in the depth of that love. I felt the tiniest fraction of the love Jesus has for the world. The love He poured out in His death. It sounds corny when written down, but I felt as though my heart wouldn't be able to contain what I felt in those moments. The sadness, the joy. I can't find words to describe the experience. It was beyond emotion. I was sobbing, and just trying to take it all in.

I pray that I will never forget those moments. That I'll remember Jesus' love for us. That I'll share that love. And that I'll rejoice that I've been fortunate to experience love in my life, even when it is at times tempered with sadness.

Scariest thing

I've been considering my options a lot lately.

I'm in a comfortable spot in life right now. I just have to do what's expected of me, and everything's good. I could just continue along this path, and take things pretty easy for the next four years. But I have a serious decision to make, and I think I just made it.

What I'm going to do scared me. It REALLY scares me.

I'm going to have to trust God. I'm going to have to rely on His direction for me.

Oh Lord, help me to make the right choice here.

If I leave my current situation, I won't have much money, I don't have a place to live lined up yet, and I don't have a job ready for me. But I will be able to be me, and that might be the best gift I can give myself.

I actually like where I am right now, but if I go for 4 more years, who knows where I'll go or what I'll be doing. So in that sense, what's so different about leaving this place?

If anyone is reading this, I ask that you pray for me. I'm truly scared right now. I may be sort of leaping off a cliff, and I'm trusting that God will catch me.

Gay in a straight world

Being gay can be really frustrating at times.

I just want to be able to hang out with my straight friends. I wish they knew who I was. And if they knew who I am, I wish they'd accept me and still want to hang out with me.

I go to the bar, and they all try to hook me up with chicks. It's so frustrating to come up with excuse after excuse. Reasons why I don't want to take these girls home. Even if I weren't gay, I can't imagine going to the bar and taking a girl home the way so many of them do. A different girl every week.

Anyway, I wish there were some signal that women knew and they'd know I'm gay, so that I could dance with them and hang out, without feeling some obligation to take things further. I don't want sex with you. I don't want to make out. I don't wand to string you along. I don't want this. I just want to be able to hang out, have a fun evening, and that's it. If my straight friends have other sorts of fun, whatever.

This is really very frustrating.

Why is it so difficult to live in a straight world as a gay man?

It's things like this that are the reason gays tend to gather in certain areas. Nobody wants to feel obligated like this. Nobody wants to feel guilty for making someone think you want them when you don't. Nobody wants to have to come up with a million reasons for going home early/not going out with a girl/etc etc. I hate it! I just want to be me, but it's not allowed. I just wish I could be honest with everyone. I hate living a lie. I hate pretending to be a person other than myself. This mask is suffocating me.

No, I'm not coming out until my obligations are fulfilled, but at times the frustrations of it all can be consuming.

God, please be with me. God, please guide me. God, search my soul, and keep me on your path. I don't want to forget who I am in you. I don't want to lose myself in frustration. Be with me.

Sometimes I feel like a monster

Sometimes I feel like a monster.

I got really angry tonight. Yesterday I ran a cat-5 cable to my neighbor's room, and we were sharing files and internet over a network. The manager of the building I live in (a temporary job usually held for about 6 months) came by this afternoon and unplugged the cable, and pushed it under my door. I opened the door and yelled about how inconsiderate the action was, and how it is common sense to talk to someone before simply disconnecting them and throwing their cable under the door. He threw back the fact that apparently there's a rule against cables in the hallway. And it escalated a bit louder before we went our separate ways.

I went to get dinner, thinking of how to get back at him, and what to do if he retaliated against me in some way. I had several ideas (read all the rules, and get him in trouble on every little discrepancy I can find). I was ANGRY! He had been so rude, and I didn't deserve it! On the way home, I saw a beautiful sunset, and was reminded of the rainbow that was God's reminder to Noah that all would be okay. But I wasn't satisfied. I wasn't appeased!

I got back to my room, and soon I heard a knock. I opened my door, and standing there was that same jerk! I got ready for another verbal spat, and instead, to my surprise, I received an apology. I apologized back, but in my heart, I felt ill. This guy, after a long day (and a long month really. He's fighting a big uphill battle as manager) just trying to do his job, maybe wasn't as considerate as wonderful Me thought he should be.

Sometimes I convince myself that I'm pretty smart. I'm something special! Woohoo! Smart 'ol Jack. And then I find how very foolish I can be. Spending time thinking evil for NOTHING? How does such thought help me? How does it benefit anyone, for that matter?

I pray to God on a nearly daily basis for wisdom. I wish wisdom were something God just granted. I'm learning, though, and I suppose that's what wisdom is. Taking the lessons of daily life and seeing them from God's point of view. Why spend my time pondering revenge, when I can use the strengths God has given me to help others? Why contemplate ways to hurt others, when God has given us each the ability to build others up? Knowledge is great. Intelligence can be a wonderful tool. But I pray to God, forsaking all other attributes, give me wisdom. What pursuit is there, other than that of Christ, that is of any worth if not the pursuit of wisdom? Make me wise Lord, because nothing else will quench my mind. Nothing I can learn will be of benefit to me and others in an eternal sense, save that which I can use to benefit others.

I feel ashamed at the content of my heart today, but I remain hopeful of tomorrow. May I always find myself becoming more like Christ!

Favorites

I started this site as a place to put my thoughts, hopes, fears and desires.

Anyway, this evening I thought I'd share a few of my favorite things:

- Hearing God's voice. Looking at my past and seeing the lessons He has taught me. Seeing the grace He has shown me.
- Coming to an understanding of something difficult, or seeing some difficult idea in a different light.
- Amazing sunsets/sunrises. Rainbows and cloud rainbows.
- Skillfully created colorful artwork
- Someone running their fingers through my hair. I have to admit I like getting my hair cut because I enjoy the feeling. It's nothing sexual, but just feels really nice. Like someone scratching an itch.
- Creating. I think part of being created in God's images is the joy of creating. I love the creative aspects in art, and creation is what makes me strive toward a degree in engineering. When I have finished making something beautiful, I think I get a tiny glimpse into the joy God must have felt creating the world. What an awesome experience!
- I love being in the woods when it rains. The peace I feel is immense. Nothing else compares. It's my parents' fault for taking me camping so often as a child. I love the forest!
- Being in the desert at night. Similar to the previous item, the desert is one of the most peaceful places on earth. It's somewhere you can go to really sit down and think. Of course, night is a lot nicer for sitting and thinking than during the blazing heat of daytime.
- Music. Sometimes I'll hear a melody or rhythm behind the music that elates my spirit. I don't know why it happens, but sometimes music is medicine to the soul.

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As a side note, many people resent their parents for various things. I'm no exception. The one thing I resent my parents for is not introducing me to the joys of snow-cones. I just had my first three yesterday, and I might be addicted.

(Please note the humor intended above. I honestly can't think of a single thing I resent my parents for.)

Lashing out for revenge

I feel awful tonight.

I got revenge on somebody this weekend, and instead of the glee I expected, I feel sorrow. He may have 'deserved it', but I know I've deserved much worse in my life. And the one I owe the most to, God, has shown me the most mercy.

As Paul said, I find myself doing the things I don't want to do. I don't want to be hateful toward others, even when they are difficult at times to be around. As I wrote about yesterday, I want to show love toward everyone. I want to be an example of Christ, and he certainly didn't go around getting revenge on the pharisees for the awful way they treated him.

I know the only thing that will bring me peace is to ask forgiveness of the person I wronged. He'll probably laugh at me, but what does that matter if it gives me a heart of peace and joy?

Discipline

I've been thinking a lot over the past months on the subject of penalties for sin and wrongdoing. The event that started me thinking on this subject was when my little sister went to Boot Camp for the Air Force earlier this year. She's the type of person who dislikes confrontation, and would like to remain friends with everyone. So when she was put into a leadership position, and had to recommend penalties for a couple of her subordinates that had messed up, she was nearly in tears. It was the first time in her life that she'd been in a tough situation like this. I wrote her a letter of encouragement, and it grew into the following:

I'd like to present two words to you: Punishment and Discipline

While these words are often used in english to present the same idea, I'd like to distinguish between the two. The following definitions are from dictionary.com (based on the Random House Dictionary). Emphasis mine.

pun·ish·ment -noun
1. the act of punishing.
2. the fact of being punished, as for an offense or fault.
3. a penalty inflicted for an offense, fault, etc.
4. severe handling or treatment.

dis·ci·pline –noun
1. training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.
2. activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.
3. punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.

I've cut short the full definition of discipline. Feel free to Look it up. It continues, much as the portion I posted. You'll notice a big difference between these two definitions. One is all about inflicting a penalty, and the other is about using a penalty to teach, build up, improve and correct.

Before I go further, I want to remind readers that we are to love our neighbors. This means everyone around us. The easy-to-love and those who are not so easy to love. I encourage you to search your heart, and if you find that there is someone you "can't" love, talk to God about it. Ask Him to make your heart like his, because Love is what he has commanded us to do!

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Everyone will, at some point, be in a leadership position. As a result, everyone will, at some point, have to consider penalties for the wrongdoing (sin, crime, poor quality work, tardiness, disrespect, etc.) of those under their charge (employees, etc). Now looking at the above definitions, we can do three things: ignore the wrongdoing, punish the offender, or discipline the offender.

If we choose the first, we commit a serious crime. We have failed to make a change. We have failed to help the person improve. We have failed to love.

Ignoring a problem has never solved a problem. Our goal as Christians should be to love our neighbors. That includes our bosses, our subordinates, everyone. Allowing someone to continue doing wrong is not love. It is apathy. If wrong is allowed, it will only continue. Sin hurts us. Sin tears away at the heart and grows like a cancer in the soul. How can we possibly be showing love if we allow another to live in sin?

The second option is to punish the offender. To make sure the wrongdoers know they screwed up. To make them suffer for the things they've done wrong.

Not only is such indignant anger and punishment hurtful to the person it's directed at, but it hurts us as well. A person being punished has no real reason to change. Punishment is merely a sentence that must be carried out. It brings with it no new purpose or motivation, other than to be more sneaky in doing wrong the next time. It hurts us because we were made to love, not to lash out at others for doing wrong. We were made to build up relationships, not to push others down as a result of their sin, something we are all guilty of.

The third option in dealing with wrongdoers is to discipline them. As you'll notice from the above definitions, discipline has connotations of improving, developing, training and correcting.

In some ways it is very similar to punishment. There are still penalties for doing wrong. Sometimes these penalties can be quite severe and painful. The big difference here (and I really want to emphasize this) is that punishment comes as an angry response to sin, while discipline comes from the heart, as a result of love.

Remember again that God has commanded us to love our neighbors. If we truly have love for someone, and see them hurting themselves, should we not do our best to help them? Sin is the biggest self-inflicted hurt there is, and we would be unloving not to try and keep such pain from continuing.

Discipline does imply penalties. But it is done from a heart full of love, with the purpose of building-up, improving life, instructing, and correcting problems. When we discipline, we show that we care about a person enough to not merely look the other way or lash out in anger, but instead to focus on helping that person become a better man or woman.

As a child, my parents always made a point of delaying the penalties of my sins, even if just a few minutes. While I hated spankings, even at a young age I could see a difference between the way my parents spanked me, and the way some other parents went about issuing similar penalties. Rather than lash out in anger, my parents waited to cool down. They then took me aside, explained what I had done wrong, what the penalty was, and then I received the penalties of my wrongs. Afterwards, they made sure to remind me that they love me. I think this is a beautiful example of discipline. Correcting a problem out of love, and a desire to prevent further wrong (pain, damage, etc) in the future.

While the workplace dilemma mentioned earlier might seem to be a very different situation, it's really not. We have a responsibility to discipline others. While a company may do it for their bottom line, worker cohesion, and various other reasons, we should discipline those in our care, being ever mindful of our role as Christians. We are to love one another. Whether in the workplace or in the home, that means correcting sinful situations. We should not merely cause pain to others for their sins, but rather we should discipline with love, in the hopes of changing hearts.

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John 13:34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

1 John 4:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

1 John 4:12 If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.

Effort

I visited the CalTech campus yesterday, and I had an epiphany: I've only been working half as hard as I need to be. Maybe not even that much.

Keeping in mind that I've only visited one 'real' college/university ever (Community colleges don't count), that being Cal Tech, I really think I want to go to this school. I'm determined to be prepared when the time comes, which means a LOT of work in the next year or so. Basically, I must go from somewhat-knowledgeable to brilliant (as far as my knowledge of mathematics/physics) in just over a year. Possible? I'm about to find out.

My goal is to cut from my daily life a number of distractors. There was an online game that took a lot of my time. Gone. Same with a few other various activities.

Of course, I must still have a bit of social life or risk going insane, but I have no study partner, and I must go from basically skilled to master very quickly.

I covered my walls in large sheets of white butcher paper. Soon, according to plan, my walls will be filled with math/physics/chemistry formulas and notes. I want to bathe in science daily.

My head is spinning at the implications, but my heart is beating faster in the excitement of discovery. I am going to have to work harder than I've ever worked in my life, because while all of this is going on, I refuse to 'drop my pack' at work. I want to be the best leader I can, and look out for my juniors.

In addition, and actually most important, I want to spend more time in prayer and devotion to God. I want to grow and learn. I want to be engulfed in His presence each day.

If you're reading this, please pray for me regarding these goals. Thanks :)

- Jack

Grace

I wish I could be forever in God's immediate presence.

What is it about us humans that we let out faithfulness toward God ebb at times? We allow ourselves to get caught up in work, finances, internet (big one for me), and other things to the point that we forget about God. And yet He's still there for us whenever we need Him.

I am constantly amazed at how patient our God is. Whether we have a severe fall into sin, or just get to focused on things in our lives, he has the grace and patience to welcome us back.

I remember going camping with my family one year as a child. We were on a hike, and I ran ahead to pop out from behind a tree and scare my siblings. Unfortunately, I took the wrong path and got lost. I was scared and frightened. All to often this seems to happen in my spiritual walk. I start running ahead on my own, trusting that I'll keep the the right path. It works for awhile, until I realize I don't recognize where I'm at. I'm no longer on the path God was walking me through. I'm lost and frightened. And when I call out, there's God, just waiting to hear my voice and come get me.

I don't want it to be like that, though. I want to stay by His side forever. In my heart, I know I'm not strong enough to do so on my own (I say this not as an excuse, but as a reality. Only by His grace do we come to know Him, and only by His grace will we be saved). How blessed we are to have such a patient God.

2Co 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.